Women are different than men. There more complex, interesting and intelligent people. They can do more damage than men. They endure more pain, can give more pleasure and if it wasn’t for centuries of sexist repression then they would most certainly be in power. This is no different in fiction. The laws that apply to the real world do not apply there. They maintain their complexity and intelligence but gain so much more. Today, My Birthday, we will honour them by counting down the Top Ten Fictional Females. Note that this is really just a personal choice and is purely my own opinion, feel free to disagree if you want…even if it does make you an idiot.
10) Bree Van De Kamp (Desperate Housewives)
Bree Van De Kamp is ,in essence, a stereotype. She is the perfect housewife, pretty much a 1950’s caricature,but she is a deep and complex character. She is obsessed with other people’s opinion of her and her family, priding herself on having a good status and a strong sense of tradition and morals. She is a good and pure Catholic woman, not experiencing an orgasm until her late 40’s and then heading to the emergency ward of the hospital due to her worrying about just what the hell happened. Her family life has always been in turmoil. Her son is gay, her daughters a whore, pregnant at 16, and her first husband was just a douche. Nevertheless she puts a brave face on things. I think the scene that sums up Bree the best is when she is polishing the silverware and the hospital phones to tell her that, after a period of illness, her first husband Rex has died. Bree finishes polishing the silverware before allowing herself to mourn. Thats just Bree in a nutshell. I also love the running joke where Bree always greets a new neighbour with a basket of muffins before concluding by saying that she will be needing the basket back, it’s just hilarious. I think Marcia Cross deserves some credit for her portral of this character. Bree Van De Kamp, always putting a brave face on things.
9) Alice Morgan (Luther)
I fucking love this character. Alice is a genius, she went to university at 13 and graduated at 15, after which she became a researcher. She has a cold, inhuman philosophy saying that nothing in the world actually matters and that people are completely insignificant compared to the vastness of space, black holes, star systems etc. She has always considered herself to be extradited due to her intelligence and in the first episode she murders her family and her dog, she blames her parents for pushing her more academically and therefore not allowing her to grow socially. Alice hides the gun in the dog’s body, a stroke of genius, before striking up a relationship between herself and Luther, the Detective investigating the case. The two often discuss philosophy and Alice even protects Luther when a pedophile, who Luther had previously put in a coma, threatens to name him, therefore threatening his career. Alice responds by killing the pedophile. Alice also becomes an accomplice when Luther goes on the run after being framed for his wife’s murder. At the end of the series Alice, Luther and Luther’s wife’s new boyfriend confront the real killer. This provides some great arguments between the three characters as Alice wishes to kill the man, because in her view death is worse than prison. Eventually Alice actually takes the gun and shoots the killer herself. She gains no pleasure from killing but instead reasons that life in insignificant, she is cold, inhumane and a hell of a lot of fun. If you haven’t seen this series I suggest you check it out, granted the episodes repeat themselves, if only for Alice.
8) Miss Havisham (Great Expectations)
Miss Havisham despises the male sex. Havisham was jilted at the altar and therefore becomes incredibly bitter and cold, believing that the every man is scum. This doesn’t mean she’s completely over her jilting. She has never taken her wedding dress off since and opts to stay in a dark room with everything, including the wedding feast, set out exactly as it would have been that day. In the novel she adopts a girl called Estelle. She then pledges to raise Estelle to hate man and to be just as cold and inhumane as she is. She teaches Estelle that men are to be used and tossed aside like toys, their hearts to be broken. This can be seen when Pip, our main character visits Havisham and plays with Estelle. Havisham actually encourages Estelle to lead poor Pip along before breaking his heart. Havisham eventually meets her end when she catches fire and burns to death. Havisham’s spirit lives on as Estelle then enters an abusive marriage before she to is jilted at the altar. She then becomes exactly like her adoptive mother, sitting in her wedding dress with the curtains draw. Havisham still has a big role even after her death. Miss Havisham, bringing a new meaning to the phrase a woman scorned.
7) Bebe Glazer (Frasier)
I love this bitch. She is Frasier’s agent and is totally obsessed with fame, influence and money. An intensely manipulative and seductive woman, with no apparent morals whatsoever, she is often compared to Satan, this provides some fantastic scenes filled with references. Frasier relies on her intensely in order to get the best deal he can out of his employers, whilst simultaneously being horrified by her extremely flexible and questionable ethics. She harbors a deep desire to be in the limelight herself, a dream briefly realized when she and Frasier co-host a morning television show for a week. She is revealed to have a son in the final episode, whose apparent age (around 40) is used to imply the talent of Bebe’s cosmetic surgeon. Bebe is such a fun character, I actually love her luvvie (look it up) attitude. Her lust for power and stardom is reminiscent of any big Hollywood producer or agent. I think Frasier sums this character up best “She has no scruples, no ethics and no reflection!!”
6) Alex Forrest (Fatal Attraction)
Talk about “unsafe sex.” Micheal Douglas plays a lawyer who has an affair with a workmate. He deems it to be just a one night stand while she takes it far more seriously, becoming dangerously obsessed with him. She phones him repeatedly, leaves him messages, pesters him at work and even attempting suicide, to be fair the usual semi-obsessive ex stuff. This changes as darling Alex then raises the bar. She kidnaps his daughter, fakes a pregnancy, attacks his wife, and boils the family rabbit, bringing a new and very literal meaning to the phrase bunny boiler. This is a character who is completely obsessed and some may say her actions are justified and that Dan, Micheal Douglas’s character, deserves to find dear old Flopsy in the pot. Whether you agree with the character or not, Glenn Close’s Oscar-nominated performance solidified Alex Forrest as one of the scariest villains ever for the “horny married man.” Just rent this movie and those urges will pass… quickly.
5) Elle Driver (Kill Bill)
This character is just a straight up bitch, a mix of villains from Quentin Tarantino’s childhood baddies whenever he saw a western or a samurai film as a child. Elle is one of the Deadly Viper assassination Squad and is possibly the only one who is actually still an assassin when the Bride seeks revenge. Elle is unlike the other female assassins as while they actually share friendship with the Bride, Elle despises her passionately. She is their at the massacre at two pines and is later sent to kill Beatrice, the Bride, when it is revealed that she has survived being shot in the head. This leads to perhaps my favorite scene in all of film where Elle is in the hospital and whistling that eerie tune, twisted nerve. It sends a shiver up my spine every time. Elle does have some great moments. I especially love when she has used a Black Mamba to kill Budd, thereby framing the Bride before claiming responsibility for killing her who Budd had buried alive. Elle then decides to tell Budd about the Black Mamba before saying perhaps the movie line I quote the most:
“”Gargantuan”. You know, I’ve always liked that word “gargantuan”, I so rarely have the opportunity to use it in a sentence.”
Brilliant. Elle is also incredibly sexy. I have no idea what it is about her, her sadistic attitude, her fashion sense, her eyepatch I just don’t know! Whatever it is Elle has some fantastic moments, one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite movies.
4) Nurse Ratched (One Flew over the Cuckoo’s nest)
Now, I’m gonna go strictly by the book on this if only because the version in the book is far more twisted, controlling and downright evil than the film version, no disrespect to Louise Fletcher who did an excellent job portraying this character. In the novel Ratched is the head Nurse of Salem State Hospital, a lunatic asylum. She exercises a massive amount of control over the patients, using shock therapy and heavy use of drugs to maintain order, her superiors allow such behaviour due to her maintained levels of order. She claims her greatest achievement is a patient called Billy who is afflicted with an awful stutter. Ratched threatens Billy with his mother, the only woman he fears more than her, to manipulate him. This promotes his suicidal tendencies. Ratched’s control is threatened when McMurphy arrives, encouraging the patients to question Ratched and this cultimates in one of the greatest finale’s in any book I have ever read. McMurphy sneaks in a prostitute to take Billy’s virginity, when Ratched finds out she proceeds to threaten Billy with telling his mother. Distressed, Billy slits his throat. In anger McMurphy strangles Ratched. He fails to kill her and is taken away by Ratched’s orders, and lobotomized. Ratched uses him as an example to the other patients of what happens when they defy her orders. McMurphy did not kill Ratched but he succeeded in damaging her vocal chords enough so that she is forced to write everything down, thereby diminishing her power. Where do I begin with this bitch. She is sadistic, controlling, power-hungry, heartless and succeeds in turning our main character into a vegetable. This is such a great character. Nurse Ratched, the lunatic who took over an asylum.
3) Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor (A Series of Unfortunate Events)
The epiphany of status and social-climbing, Esme Squalor is obsessed with the in thing. She only marries her husband Jerome for his penthouse apartment, his money, and his social status. She only takes in the Baudelaire children because adopting orphans is the ‘in’ thing to do. She rarely speaks to them, leaving her husband to spend time with them. She teams with Count Olaf, her acting Coach and lover, and then tries to kill the 3 children by throwing them down an elevator shaft, not just to inherit their fortune, but because their mother borrowed a tea set and never returned it. In the following books she feeds people to lions, enslaves children, whips them, adopts a bratty little whorebag, assists in the murder of an innocent man, tries to Labotomize Violet, burns down a hospital, steals a submarine and kills a crow. Defending herself by saying that running away with criminal’s is in. Esme is jut so obsessed with whats fashionable, she reminds me slightly of Cruella De Ville and both share a penchant for extravagant fashion. In one book Esme spends the entire time dressed as an octopus, in another she wears nothing but strategically placed lettuce leaves. She spoils Camilla Sprats, a bitchy little thing from a private school, which contrasts to her treatment of the 3 orphans who she seemingly forgets about. I love this character. Shes so self-obsessed, striving for whats fashionable whether it be kidnap, murder or arson. Esme Squalor brings a certain feminine style to villainy.
2) Bellatrix Lestrange (Harry Potter)
I freaking love this character. She is so despicably sadistic and loyal to such a monstrously evil character as Voldemort. She does such horrible things, tortures a couple to insanity, murders two of her cousins and numerous other characters, including George Weasley(or was it Fred?) and Dobby, she kills fucking Dobby!! I’m not afraid to admit it, this is probably the only time I’ve ever mourned a fictional character. Bellatrix is in love with Voldemort and only married her husband Roldophus because he was a high-ranking Death Eater and therefore close to Voldemort. She remains to her master even going to Azkaban, the wizard prison, for him. According to J.K Rowling, Bellatrix was attractive and reasonably sane after her imprisonment she becomes 32 flavours of batshit crazy. This character is just as obsessed with Pure Blood breeding as Voldemort is. She kills her cousin because she marries a werewolf and has therefore disgraced the family, she also taunts Molly Weasley about how she killed Fred (or was it George?) saying that once she has killed Molly she will kill the other Weasley children. Whata bitch. I think Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange is the best casting I’ve seen since Keanu Reeves played that mentally retarded boy in Bill and Ted’s excellent adventure, great movie by the way. Carter really brings this character to life and I freaking love her madness and enthusiasm. My favorite Bellatrix moment would have to be in the Order of the Phoenix where after she kills Sirius, she then taunts Harry about it, and then proceeds to give him advice about using the Cruciatus curse. Thats another thing, this spell is practically made for this woman. I’m willing to bet she’s used it more times that any other character, even Voldemort. Ironic really, the torture curse is so connected to such a tortured and dark psyche. Regardless of her twisted sadism, Bellatrix Lestrange is one of my favorite female characters.
1) The Greek Goddesses (Numerous literature, mainly Homer’s,)
These are undoubtedly some of the greatest characters every created by man. The 12 main deities contain five women one of whom is Queen. These Goddesses are Hera, Athena, Aphrodite, Artemis and Demeter. Now I know there are many, many more (the Greeks had deities for every lake, mountain and sea) but these are the ones I will concentrate on as they’re by far the most interesting. Hera is Queen of the Gods and is Goddess of Women, marriage and childbirth. A common theme in Greek religion is that the Gods would have affairs with the mortals while the Goddesses were restricted to one man or in some cases none. Hera is a spiteful woman, often cursing her husband’s (Zeus) mistresses out of vengeance. One Myth has her attempt to kill Heracles and she continues to plague him until she eventually drives him mad causing him to kill his family and then himself. She also throws her son from the summit of Mt Olympus because he was disfigured. Thats pretty bad by any parents standards…well maybe not Joseph Fritzel’s.
Athena is the chaste daughter of Zeus. She was born from her father’s mind and is the Goddess of valour in combat and knowledge, this contrasts with the God Ares who is God of pure violence and bloodshed. Athena challenged her uncle Poseidon, God of the oceans, for patronship of Athens. Athena won, she was more popular than her uncle, the second most powerful God in all of Greek religion. Athena can also be brutal. Medusa was once a beautiful maid in one of Athena’s temples. Poseidon, being a right randy old git, rapes Medusa in the temple. This is an act of sacrilege but, as Athena cannot punish her uncle, she instead turns Medusa into the beast we know today, destined never to be looked at again. Thats just bitchy.
Artemis is the Goddess of hunting and the moon can can be just as brutal. She was once caught bathing naked by a hunter. She then proceeded to turn the man into a stag and have his own dogs hunt him down and tear him to pieces. Thats just brutal. Aphrodite is the wife of Hephaestus who is the ugly child thrown from Mt Olympus by Hera. Aphrodite has an affair with Ares. Thats just horrible. To make matters worse Aphrodite finds pleasure in breaking mens hearts and destroying their happiness.
These Goddesses are just so wonderful. They encompass most of the main qualities of all of the other women on this list: controlling, refined, sadistic, sexist, stylish and brutal. They can be jealous and enjoy playing with mankind as if they were mere playthings. They are far more controlling than the Gods and far more interesting. This is why the Greek Goddesses are the greatest Fictional Females.