Ahh Fan Theories. Without them I think all of our lives would be just a little bit duller. Well here I am again and, as it’s Christmas I wanna share with you some of my favourites…again…Now I know I already did this list before but I loved it so much that I’ve decided to do it again!! So sit back, relax and enjoy my next Top Ten Fan Theories.
10) The Milky Bar Kid is Aryan
Ahh the Milky bar kid, that sweet little guy with the blond hair, blue eyes and glasses who advertises milky bar chocolate. Ain’t he just the picture of innocence??? BULLSHIT!! Remember the jingle? Well if not here it is:
The Milky Bar Kid is Strong and Tough
And only the best is good enough
The creamiest Milk
The whitest Bar
The good taste that’s in Milky bar
Now think about the Nazi’s and their Aryan ideologies and read that again. Some key lines just shout MEIN FURHER!!
The Milky Bar Kid is Strong and Tough (The Nazi’s prided Physical and athletic prowess)
And only the best is good enough (*cough* Eugenics *cough*)
The creamiest Milk (White, pure-blooded ideology
The whitest Bar (Ditto)
The good taste that’s in Milky bar ( Genetic Superiority)
Hell, the kid himself even has blond hair and blue eyes, qualities the Nazi’s attributed to the perfect physical specimen. Some people, however, argue that the glasses are a sign of physical weakness (which is total bullshit because as we all know only the sexiest, most intelligent, kindest and supremely awesome people wear glasses…and/or contact lenses…). It’s true that the whole glasses thing may not fit in with the Nazi ideal, but here’s the clincher, ya know which high-ranking Nazi wore glasses????
That’s right. Heinrich ‘scum of the Earth’ Himmler, leader of the feared SS. Now lets compare an image of him with an image of America’s fucking sweetheart:
“For you, the acting career is over”
9) The babies in the Rugrats are just a figment of Angelica’s imagination
Rugrats was one of my favourite shows growing up and so I was quite shocked when, very recently, I stumbled upon the following theory. The idea is simple. Angelica (the bratty one) is pretty damn lonely. Her parents are always working, paying her little attention and no love whatsoever. She has no friends so her imagination kicks in, there is a hitch at this point. Because Angelica’s parents are always working they let tv raise their child, leaving her imagination to suffer a bit. Her imagination has to use what it already knows, it can’t create a brand new, exciting world for Angelica, it simply doesn’t know how. So it uses what’s around it and comes up with the Rugrats. Allow me to elaborate. Tommy was stillborn and his father never really got over it, explaining why he builds so many toys. Chucky died in the same car crash as his mother which left his father traumatized and alone, explaining why Chaz is so bloody jumpy. The twins were aborted but nobody ever knew what gender they were so Angelica’s mind compensates and tries to cover all bases by making them twins, one male and one female. This theory falls apart a bit as new characters are introduced and it isn’t exactly nessarcery, nevertheless I still think it fits well with Angelica as a character and it does make a lot of sense.
8) The Exodus is a dystheist’s wet dream
Firstly let me explain that a Dystheit is someone who believes that God is evil, straight up malevolent. Right now on with the theory. The Exodus was, according to the Bible, the great mass fleeing of the Jews from Egypt and Pharoah’s tyrannical regime and is regarded by many to be one of the pinnacles of God’s goodness. Lets just sit back and look at this, face value, for one moment. God send Ten plagues to ravage Egypt, they vary from the mediocre turning of the waters of the Nile into blood to THE SLAUGHTERING OF ALL THE FIRSTBORNS. At face value God seems to be pretty douchey. I mean, what did all the firstborns harm the Jews??
“OMFG DID you see that!? He just decapitated that slave!! Oh God, the ONE DAY I forget my camera!”
Ok so now lets look deeper into this, specifically at the plagues themselves. So firstly God turns all the waters of Egypt to blood, killing all the fish. What does this do? It means that the Egyptians have to import water and fish because they cannot provide their own, not only this but the cost increases meaning that the poor cannot afford it. They begin to die and the rate of poverty increases. This can also be applied to frogs, who just eat, the deaths of the livestock and the locusts, who just eat. Then we have flies, lice and boils. These all spread disease and probably kill a large amount of people. The thunder and hail destroy some of the world’s finest architecture and the deaths of all the firstborns means that Egypt looses several generations. Oh and the fun doesn’t stop there kids, no the Egyptians let the Jews go only to change their minds and give chase across the Red Sea, which has been parted. God them…unparts…the sea destroying 600 chariots and the Pharoah himself. The Bible tells us this and archeology and history does the rest. 600 chariots was a massive amount for any army at that time and it took a lot of training to be able to use them. So not only does Egypt lose 600 chariots, the equivalent of today’s tanks, it also loses what we can presume to be some of the finest solders it has. Also Pharoah dies, a leader whom from what we have, we can presume was pretty competent until God got in the way. So, in short, Egypt loses its economy, Architecture, food supply, a large percent of its population, a big chunk of its army and a pretty competent leader. Still think Gods good? Oh what’s that? At least the Jews are ok?….
“Don’t worry guys! I have a feeling from here on out we Jew’s are gonna do just fine”
(Note: THIS IS NOT MEANT IN AN OFFENSIVE WAY! Just thought I’d cover that…)
7) Fred Phelps is a good guy
Now, I’ve gotta say I love this idea. The theory goes that Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church and most hated man in America, is actually a genius playing a role to try to make the world a better place. Firstly I think I should talk about what Phelps does. He believes that the word of the Bible is true and that God is punishing America with 9/11 and the war in Iraq because of all the homosexuals in the country…
“The deaths of our service men are on his conscience!!”
Now for the theory. Apparently Fred Phelps is only picketing solders funerals and protesting Homosexuality and evolution in order to get the liberals and republicans to put aside their differences in name of a common enemy. I mean think about it, the Republicans hate Phelps because he pickets the funeral’s of dead solders whilst,st the liberals hate him because he’s a bigoted prick. With any luck, on his deathbed, Phelps will admit to this, everybody around the world will join hands and there will be peace at Christmas time….or he’ll burn in Hell for eternity one or the other….
6) Scrooge will die weeks after he has been visited by the three ghosts.
In the Christmas Carol Ebenezer Scrooge is a straight up mardy fucker. He is vile and repugnant, treating other people around him with very little respect. This all changes one Christmas Eve when he is visited by three Ghosts who show him various scenes that change his outlook on life. He leaves a better man and lives happily ever after….Untile weeks later when he dies. Allow me to explain. Scrooge is around 80 in this book. He is visited by THREE GHOSTS, one of which shows him HIS OWN FUNERAL. This is enough to terrify any one but what makes matters worse is that Scrooge, terrified about the future he was shown, feels forced to change his ways. He goes into a cycle of dangerous repression made worse by the fact that the old Scrooge used to get pissed at everything. Furthermore this is a monumental change and must’ve taken titanic effort because Scrooge has been a mardy sod for the majority of his life and now he has to constantly repress everything and just keep smiling, otherwise he will die alone and unmissed. Hell, it may have been that being an old bastard was the only thing keeping him alive! Over the following weeks his health deteriorates and a brain tumour builds up until he eventually dies….Humbug…
Pictured: One sneeze away from death.
5) Euripedes was either gay or scared of sex
Remember how in my Medea and Hippolytus reviews I kept picking at how Euripedes seemed to be seriously mysoginistic? Well a friend of mine (Vickey Lott) Came up with a theory. We belive that he was either gay or terrified of sex. It seems Euripedes’s sexism goes a little beyond the conventional Greek bravado and hinges more on the psychological. The theory goes that Euripedes was either gay, and so repulsed by women altogether, or just repulsed by the idea of sex. Frankly I prefer the second one but Vickey continues to stand by the first, claiming that nobody can be afraid of sex…if they are she soon cures them…Anywho, Euripedes being afraid of sex explains a lot. Like how his male characters often talk about buying children rather than creating them and that women are the scourge of the Earth. Also Euripedes is one of the few cases of a woman divorcing a man. It makes more sense that she would divorce him because she wasn’t getting any, rather than if he were gay. This is ancient Greece, every Tom, Dick and Harry’s getting a prod with the porky cutless…If you catch my drift…
It certainly explains his mysoginism and why he tries to make his female characters so damn unlikable. Well wait a minute, I hear you cry, Medea had some moments which an Ancien Greek audience may have actually liked. Sure, I reply, but Euripedes wouldn’t be the first, or last, author to sell out their beliefs to make money…
Three words: Jar. Jar. Binks
4) Odysseus beat Penelope
Anyone who has read the Odyssey knows that Penelope is the loyal, faithful, loving wife of Odysseus. She waits 20 years for him, stalling an army of repulsive suitors who desperately wish to marry her. Odysseus returns and Penelope proves cunning enough to test him before realising he is her husband and swiftly getting their mac on. Right? Well not according to this theory. It goes like this. Odysseus is shown throughout the story to be pretty damn arrogant and if we consider the fact that we’re in ancient Greece, where spousal abuse wasn’t exactly rare, then we have ideal conditions for Odysseus to become a wife-beating douchebag. Hell we see he’s a prick when he sleeps with Calypso, Circe and perhaps even Nausicaa, but what really supports this theory is Penelope’s part of the story. She is constantly being told that she must remarry and choose one of the suitors but she holds out that her husband is still alive. Before he left Odysseus told her to remarry if he hadn’t returned by the time Telemachus, their son, had grown a beard. This is Odysseus trying to choose between controlling his wife and protecting his son and country. Odysseus gives this demand because by then he believes he will have returned and, if he hasn’t, Telemachus will be man enough to keep his mother, and the country, under control. Naturally Odysseus is wrong and Penelope spends the whole of the story, ten freaking years, being told she must remarry. She refuses because she knows that if Odysseus comes back to find she has remarried, he will kill her. This si why she stalls the suitors for so long and refuses to believe her husband is dead. She is still so scared of him that she doesn’t want to run the risk. When it is time for her to remarry, because of Telemachus growing his beard, she sets up an archery contest where contestants have to string a bow only Odysseus has previously been strong enough to string. If she is to remarry she has to marry someone strong enough to hold their own against Odysseus should he return. When he does return and kills all of the suitors, Penelope is told by her nurse who pretty much conclusively proves the beggar, whose guise Odysseus has taken, is actually the king, she refuses to believe her. Hell he looks very similar to his younger self and yet she still tests him, telling her servant to bring the bed down, which is built around a tree. Odysseus laughs and tells her this at which point Penelope THROWS HERSELF TO THE FLOOR AND BEGS FOR FORGIVENESS. She spends 10 years ‘loyally’ waiting and now she is begging for forgiveness. Why? Because she doubted her husband, something which, as Odysseus’s ego in previous situations has told us, she would have been beaten for.
“Oh God!! I’m sorry I ever doubted your bed related knowledge!! Please don’t kill me!!”
2) Tiffany Case really was going to ask Bond to marry her
Towards the end of Diamonds are Forever, Bond and Tiffany are on a cruise ship heading home after preventing Blofeld from taking over the world…again…Then, out of the blue, Tiffany says something along the lines of:
Tiffany: I have a very important question to ask and I need to you think very carefully before you answer
Tiffany: I know it’s not the girl whose supposed to ask the question in this sort of thing…
James: Whats that dear?
They are then interrupted by Wint and Kidd, a fight scene issues and once it’s over Bond inquires as to what the question was. Tiffany then replies “how are we supposed to get those diamonds down”. This theory carries a lot of weight. It states that Tiffany was in fact going to ask Bond to marry her, all of her comments before Wint and Kidd come in indicate this. Once the assassins do arrive and try to kill Bond, Tiffany, not being the brightest light on the Christmas tree, suddenly realises that being married to a secret agent may be slightly dangerous. On the spur of the moment, Tiffany quickly tries to bullshit her way out of it. Once again being a little…stupid… the answer given makes no sense when put with her previous comments.
“Well done Tiffany. You’re a freaking genius!!”
2) Death on the Nile is Agatha Christie’s ill-fated revenge fantasy
Firstly, for those of you who don’t know, Death on the Nile is Agatha Christie’s masterpiece and revolves around three main characters. Lynette Doyle, Simon Doyle and Jacqueline de Bellefort. Lynett is a spoilt, wealthy woman who has recently inherited her millions. Simon and Jackie are set to be married but, because Simon is poor, Jackie asks Lynette to give him a job, she agrees but asks to meet him first. When Simon and Lynette do meet they fall in love and a few months later they marry and honeymoon in Egypt. As it happens Simon realised his mistakes before the two married and told Jackie. She forgives him and they go about murdering Lynette and getting her money. Things do not go so simply and everything snowballs until Poirot figures things out and the two lovers kill themselves. Now for a bit of Christie’s history. Her husband cheated on her and she suffered something of a mental breakdown, checking herself into a luxury country hotel and disappearing for a good few days. The theory goes that Christie was still recovering from her husband’s betrayal when writing Death on the Nile and based the three main characters around herself (as Jackie), her husband (Simon) and his mistress (Lynette). It really makes a lot of sense, she still loved her husband but wanted to make him pay, so she wrote that Simon has to shoot himself in the leg for their plan to work. Christie wasn’t a killer and so it is Simon who kills Lynette, not Jackie. This changes when the maid finds out what happened, leading to blackmail. Suffice to say Jackie kills the maid. Then she kills a moons and boon writing because she found out. Eventually things snowball so that Poirot figures things out and it is at this point that the second part of the theory comes in. Christie knew that if she tried it, it would go badly. She pits herself against her own finest creation, Hercule Poirot, knowing she cannot possibly win. Poirot becomes her conscience. Death on the Nile is Christie venting her emotion yet retaining enough logic to know that it would never work.
“..And then Lynette opened her big, ugly, whore mouth and said that she was a filthy slut and that Simon had a tiny penis that was perfect for her dried up cooch…”
1) There is a link between virginity/amount of children and magical prowess
Now, this theory comes to you from myself, Katie Baker and Clara Fennesy (WE GET BORED, OK!!). Bear with me though because this one takes a bit of explanation. It’s best shown in a graph but let me try it through words. Virgins have a good chance of being magically powerful and the more sex you have, the less magically powerful you become. This is counteracted if you have children whereby the more kids you have the more powerful you become.
We looked at Dumbledore, Voldemort and Snape and realised that, in all probability, they died virgins. They were also all incredibly talented wizards. Lets think about this. Dumbledore only really loved Grindlewald and we believe that, after Ariana died, Dumbledore never had a relationship. Grindlewald and Dumbledore never had sex because Grindlewald, despite being aware of Dumbledore’s feelings, never took advantage of them. The same goes for Snape. Snape only loved Lily, never getting over her and to be honest he was never really the most attractive person was he? What, with his greasy hair and everything… Voldemort is where we had some trouble. He was described as being very attractive as a youth and so he probably would’ve gotten some as a student at Hogwarts. I would argue that he didn’t. Voldemort never understood the concept of love and was incapable of felling it so that rules out sex via romance. He could have used sex to manipulate people but I think he would’ve known it’s use and held it back, like Anne Boleyn, the promise would’ve been there but never used. Voldemort would’ve maintained this throughout his life. Lupin also fits into this. Being a werewolf we doubted that he would’ve risked sex in case it could transfer his condition or that his child would inherit it. It took Tonks a long while to swing him round to it.
Neville is a virgin…We can presume…. To be fair he does become quite a competent wizard, although we could attribute this to the fact that both of his parents were aurors and his Grandmother floored Dawlish, a pretty badass auror.McGonagall does’nt fit in with this theory either because, if we judge by Maggie Smith standards, she was quite a looker in her youth. Also, Rowling has confirmed that Mcgonnagal was in love with a muggle. She has had sex and is more than a powerful witch.
The years have not been kind…
Alright so lets look at the other side of the theory that says that characters with children have more magical prowess than those with none. Molly Weasley and Narcissa Malfoy. Molly is obvious. She has 7 (ish) children and manages to defeat Bellatrix Lestrange who is generally considered to be far superior in terms of magical skill. There are arguments against this, however. Molly’s brothers were talented aurors and so her skill could’ve been inherited. Furthermore she may have been caught up in the moment, protecting Ginny from a notorious sadist. As for Narcissa we read a fanfic, which despite being non-canon, has a good bit of realism to it. In the fan-fic Narcissa gives birth to a deformed child by Lucius who is described as begging that it not happen again. In fact Lucius and Narcissa are related and so they may well have had many deformed children before Draco. We should count this. In terms of magical ability Narcissa holds her own when the trio are in Malfoy Manor and even at the Battle of Hogwarts. By far the biggest argument for this is when Voldemort ‘kills’ Harry. Narcissa is told to check him and tells Voldemort that Harry is dead. One of the main aspects of Voldemort’s magical ability is the fact that he is one of the most talented legilmens who ever lived and Narcissa straight out lies to him. Either she is blocking him, in which case she supports the theory, or Voldemort’s ego has once again gotten the better of him and he doesn’t go to the trouble of checking. Frankly I agree with the latter.
Now for some people who have lots of sex and how they fit with the theory. Only two names ring out here. Fenrir Greyback and Fleur Delacour. Greyback is implied to be a pedophile and, whilst I have no intention of talking about his…habit…I do think that, as Voldemort promised him ‘victims’ he does fit in with the theory because he doesn’t seem to be a very good wizard. Fleur Delacour sort of fits in with the theory depending on what you consider powerful. She is a Veela and so we can assume has sex constantly, remember the boy in the bush from the Yule Ball??? Well she becomes one of the Triwizard contenders and comes…last…in every task…well done Fleur…I think we can agree that generally this theory applies very well in this case.
She’s what the French call ‘les incompetents’
By far the biggest hole in this theory lies with one character. Bellatrix Lestrange is described as a prodigious witch who deflects a spell from Dumbledore, kills Sirius and Tonks and is Voldemort’s own prodigy. In short she kicks ass. She is also described as have being very beautiful before she went to Azkaban. Furthermore, she is married to Rodolphus Lestrange and, being pert of an old noble family, would certainly have been expected to have born Rodolphus’s children. She remains childless though which is seen when she tells Narcissa, her sister, that if she had children then she would gladly hand them over to the Dark Lord. The key word here is IF. She never had children.
Mother of the year, she ain’t
The theory itself obviously isn’t correct if it stands alone, it does, however, have some precedence when combined with other factors such as genetic inheritance etc etc. Nevertheless I still love this theory. There’s a lot to read into it.