Dear Co-Workers and readers,
As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type “Today is my last day.”
For nearly as long as I’ve worked here, I’ve hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.
I would especially like to thank all of my managers: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake – it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.
Over the past year, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects – an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these ‘office walls’, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.
But to those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:
To ThatGuy: I will miss detecting your flatulence as much as you will clearly miss calling me to deliver it.
To ThatGirl: You were right – I tested positive. We’ll talk later…
To ThatOtherGuy: I… don’t remember your name?
and finally, To Benny: Your never-ending ‘voice of reason’ bores me. This, is your fault.
So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the individual who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience like a sponge and soak it up like a good woman, because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here, with this staff, again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.
I thank you all for wasting your working day reading my shit, I appreciate it.
Very truly no-longer yours,
P.s. ThatGuy and ThatGirl are wonderful people and I would gladly work with both of them again 😉