Why Goldilocks is pretty much just a home wrecking bitch

Ahhh Goldilocks and the Three Bears, a simple tale about a young girl who stumbles upon a cottage, does stuff and is then chased away after the bears return and find her sleeping. The bears go back to their lives, Goldilocks goes back to hers, and they all live happily ever after.

OR DO THEY!!!???!!!???

Well after watching an episode of wolves, witches and giants I noticed something. The whole Goldilocks incident will pretty much ruin the bears marriage and destroy the family completely. Lets go through this. When we are introduced to the bears they are going for a walk in the woods with their young son, why? Because they are trying to maintain the fallacy of a perfect family, at least for the sake of their child. The next thing we find out is that this happened whilst they were eating porridge prepared by Mother bear, something which Father Bear was quick to criticise as being too hot. Things are already looking pretty tense and awkward, but then comes the big one, the absolutely irrefutable argument.

They sleep in separate beds.

When Goldilocks comes and eats the food, sits on the chairs and then sleeps in the beds. We are told that she tries both Mother AND father bear’s beds. They have been sleeping separately for what could be a while now with baby bear in the same room (presumably to stop them from arguing all night). Now granted I suppose you could argue that they’re only doing this to avoid having sex with the kid in the room but jeez, you can sleep in the same bed and avoid sex. Evidently something has happened and lets, for the sake of argument, say that papa bear had an affair. What do the bears come home to find? A young, pre-teen girl sleeping in his bed which, naturally, dada bear claims to know nothing about. The bears chase Goldilocks out of the house and fail to catch her leading to an argument. Either she’s Papa bear’s mistress or she’s a thief who escaped due to pap bear’s incompetence. Either he’s a man-whore or he’s totally emasculated. It could easily be the last straw for mama bear who will probably leave her husband shortly after the incident. And they all lived happily ever after.


4 thoughts on “Why Goldilocks is pretty much just a home wrecking bitch

  1. Well technically I’m only back for 5 mins. Using Mum’s laptop. Dad still hasn’t ordered my charager cable, may just order it myself and ask him for the money later…


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