Valentines Day is one of those where we fork out a load of cash to show people that we like / care about / want to fuck / love them, depending on the people. As for me? I sent a chocolate love heart and a packet of condoms to Emma Watson, Jennifer Aniston and Katy Perry, along with my mobile number, home number and email address, offering myself to them all, body and soul. I will expect replies as of tomorrow. They won’t want to seem too keen.
So, here’s a special message to all the kinds of people out there in the world, in terms of love lives, on this most special of love-based rip-offs.
To those of you that have someone and are in a happy relationship together, be it love or extreme like, I wish you all the best for the future. If you’re planning children, wait a while. Wait until the world’s economic climate has stabilised and recovered. Sure, it might mean waiting a few years, some predictions being a whole decade, but it’s better for you and it’s better for the children. Above all though, be happy.
To those of you in unhappy relationships, you should already know what I’m going to tell you. End it. It’s kinder for you to leave now and cause a little pain, than to drag it out and hurt them for longer. You can still salvage your friendship, but your relationship, at least for now, is a write off. You’ll find other people. We all do. It’s a fact of life. I hate cliché’s so bloody much, but there really are plenty more fish in the sea… just avoid Wales.
If you’re considering asking that special person out, go ahead. Do it. What are you going to lose? You have so much you could gain and it’s worth you taking that risk , that chance at rejection which seems so harsh at the time, but later turns out to be for the best. I’m a Trekkie. Check out Hazard Team Medic and you’d know that (link on the right). There is a list of Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, which help them to determine how to conduct business. Rule number 62 states, ‘The riskier the road, the greater the profit’
For those of you without love, or a visible chance at it, remember that love isn’t everything. Sure, it seems great and everything, but there’s always something there that’ll spoil it. Peace and tranquillity are where the money’s at, if you get what I mean. We all assume that to be happy, we need someone special in our lives. Well, guess what. Some of the happiest times in my life were when I was single. In fact, I’ve got more single happy moments, than relationship happy moments. You tend to have more fun without a partner weighing you down, so to speak. We see it in the media everywhere. The guy that wants to spend a night out at the bar with his mates every so often gets shown in a bad light, because he’s not at home with the wife and kids. That’s wrong. He should be allowed his own time. it’s only fair, for Christ’s sake.
So, there we have it. Valentines Day a la That Guy. I hope that you all enjoy it while it lasts. As for my own personal message to people I actually know and care about? Well, here goes.
This is a special message to the people I like, love and care about (you know who you are and I won’t embarrass you with names). I’m here for you. I always have been and I always will be. You’ve all got my number, or my email, or my Facebook or some way of contacting me privately. If you EVER need anything, I’m here to help you. Remember that.
Happy Valentines Day everybody!
PS – Emma, Katy and Jennifer? Call me… ❤