Depression!


I hate depression. Who doesn’t? It’s bloody annoying and makes us all upset. So, why am I depressed, or, should I say, for what reason would I be depressed? Well, let’s find out.

Just wanna say, if you’re really happy, please don’t read this. If not, go ahead. Might cheer you up…

So. Why am I writing about depression? Well, this last weekend was reasonably upsetting and I thought I’d make a post about depression in general. What happened? Well, Benny and I were discussing when we first realised that everything we knew and loved would, one day, no longer exist. Not a good piece of knowledge to have. It emotionally hurt me and as for Ben? I’d rather not talk about that.

I first realised when I was eight. That was nine years ago. I recovered reasonably quickly, but at the moment that I first realised it, I was petrified. I didn’t think I could cope, but I found a way, mostly through violent video games, creative writing and most importantly, music. I listen to an incredible amount of music and if I hadn’t forgotten my headphones, I’d probably be listening to it now.

Then came secondary school, a few short years after. I wasn’t popular at either of the two I went to, having very few friends at each and of those friends, even fewer would admit it. Secondary school became a living hell, but I stuck it out and left that place with better grades than just about anyone would have expected. That was helpful. It meant I had my pick of any school nearby and I chose the one that I not only thought would do me better in terms of my education, but would also be something I enjoyed. Thus, New College Stamford was my choice.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve enjoyed my soon-to-end time here. My A2 year is flying by at a scary pace and I regret a lot of things I’ve done over the last 20-odd months. For example, I wish I’d stayed the kid I was when I joined, keeping distant from people and making sure I didn’t hand homework in late. I was doing well, but sadly, I got sociable. I blame critical thinking. Before that, I was the kid I needed to be. After that, I started the downward trend into what I am now.

Even today I’m being constantly attacked by a wave of disappointment and upset. We got our January Exam Results this morning. Two of my exams were resits and the other two were new topics. I got a D in one resit and U’s in all the others. I did WORSE this year, than I did in one of the subjects I’ve redone. How? Why? For what possible purpose? Well, I have decided not to get concerned about it. I must have improved my English Exam grade, as an A and a D do not level out as a D (last years overall grade). I fully anticipate failure in Maths, Psychology and EPQ (the AQA baccalaureate subject that is an extension of the critical thinking, in which I got my highest exam grade last year (C)). English is now my only hope and to be completely honest, I’m not surprised.

I am a failure. A complete and utter failure. I have never and probably will never amount to anything. I can live with that. What I can’t live with, is the loss of hope. Right now, I’m sitting here moaning instead of seeking someone from my Maths group that might have the exam paper we’re marking today, that I just so happen to have left at home, thus requiring me to redo ALL the questions so that I can mark them in an hour from writing this sentence. It’s a tough exam. I can’t manage it.

I suppose I should just count my lucky stars that I didn’t apply to university. I kept telling people I have, but I didn’t. When people I know with much higher grades than me are being turned down, I haven’t got a chance. I dreamed of going to uni, but my dreams have been shattered by reality and all I want now is to sleep for a long, long time. It wouldn’t help. I’d have to wake up eventually.

I’m now, sadly, single again. Cynically single. I like that… Single and in the belief that it won’t change, or that if it does, it wont last for long. Well ladies, if any of you actually read this, I’m open to a casual relationship. I’m not perfect (but then again, who is?) and I like my personal space. You have access to my email. Let me know… For the love of God, please, let me know…

As you can see, I’m a little hung up about it. It wouldn’t be so bad, but I’ve also forgotten the massive bottle of cherry coke that I was going to annihilate today. Ah well. I can drink it tonight between my mopey masturbation sessions with random people on the internet that frequently assure me that they are young single females from America. Happy times.

It’s been a bad day, it’s been a bad week, it’s been a bad year and most of all, it’s been a bad life. Not as bad as it could have been, but heck. Who am I to judge? I bet someone, somewhere, has had a bit of an issue with their life, on a much grander scale than I. Good luck to them. That’s what I say.

So, depression. I hate it… How about you?

That Guy

PS. For anyone that can actually be bothered to read this, it is NOT, I repeat, NOT a suicide note, but rather an acceptance of my impending failure. I hope you enjoyed. Someone has to…

13 thoughts on “Depression!

  1. Heya mate I think you will figure out who this is. I want you to know we may not get on at the best of times, but, I am always here for you i you ever need someone to talk to. Just keep going strong mate, please.

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  2. Wow, I mean, just wow! I feel so sorry for you man, I mean, you got dumped and you didn’t try hard enough in A-levels, you must be so depressed man.

    Or maybe you should think how lucky you are compared to some, compared to people with real depression or such! Maby you could look into that, once you have stopped wallowing in self pity?

    You either are, or must nearly be 18, grow up, get realistic and think how lucky you really are.

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    1. Hello there J H.

      I did not, at any point, state that I was depressed. Trust me. I checked. I was merely musing about how I was feeling and that I was going through, what would normally be, a depressing week.

      How would you feel if, the day before you realise you’d fucked up most of your life, you were left by the girl you thought you were doing well with? The imagine picking up those results and seeing those three U’s in subjects you’ve spent the last year and a half working your ass off to try and pass? I’ve had to re-evaluate my entire life over the last 72 hours and I still managed to write a post talking about my feelings and what was going on.

      That last paragraph? The post-script paragraph? That was merely there to assure you all that I was coping and not to worry. I know some people do and I wanted to make sure you all knew that I was fine and would stay that way. It was me being nice to those of you that might actually give a fuck!

      You know the funny thing? 19 people have read that post. You’re the only one that complained… I guess everyone else probably read it properly then…

      I am getting 17, getting on 18 (31st of May, if anyone cares) and as far as I’m concerned, I’m a lot more mature than some of the idiots I’ve seen on the internet. For example, I could have completely ignored this comment of yours, but instead, I chose to respond to it in a civilised manner. I’ve been here for 15 minutes working out how to phrase this instead of ‘fuck off you cunt’. You should be thankful.

      Know what you should do? E-mail me. We’ll have a proper discussion about this like civilised human beings. It might be tough for you, but with some training, I THINK it might just be possible. Heck. If Pavlov can condition dogs, I’m sure I can teach you a few manners.

      That Guy

      PS. I took the liberty of correcting the stupid mistakes in your comment. You’re welcome…

      PPS. I’ll have you know that I enjoy self-pity. It makes me feel special. Besides, it was either that, imaginary friends or murder… Maybe I should let you choose next time?

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      1. The 19 people that read it, well, most have been discussing how pathetic it is on facebook, as that is where i found it, amidts a lot harsher, however much more entertaining, comments.

        PS. “Why am I depressed” – sounds like your stateing it their.

        PPS. You obviously did not work your ass of for 3 Us, unless you are tremendously thick.

        PPPS. The 15 minutes you spent, frantically trying to come up with a mildly good comeback here, could have been spent revising.

        PPPPS. The, no dout, hours you spend on here a night, could have been spent revising. No dout if you put as much effort into your exams, as you do this, and really worked your little cotton socks off, well, you may have scrapped a couple of Es to chuck in with the rest of your grades too!

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      2. You know, there was really no need for all those PS’s.

        To be completely honest with you, I don’t give a fuck where all the views are coming from, so long as they exist. It’s the fact that people read what I write that keeps me writing. Just, so you know, the numbers have increased to 23 since my last reply. Now, if you’ve read it twice, which I’d find hilarious, then we can reduce that to a maximum of 22 people that have read that, only one of which, you, has had the balls to comment on, assuming they don’t actually like it. Now, since I just so happen to have associates that happen to be your associates, it has been made aware to me that some of those views may be from people that have always and probably will always despise me. Now, I can live with that. What I CANT live with, is people who haven’t had a chance to get to know me as a person, judging me in a negative way. At least get to know that I’m a cunt before you assume I am one!

        Since you’ve been a complete and utter idiot with your reply, I think I’ll follow your example, just to make it easier for us both next time.

        PS. I think you’ll find, that in context, it does seem as though I was stating that I am in depression. HOWEVER, the following sentence, ‘For what reason would I be depressed?’ was intended to cancel out that potential mis-interpretation. I did, of course, fail at making that the case and as such, after replying to you, I will edit it in such a way as to maintain the integrity of the post, but to clarify that particular section. You’re welcome.

        PPS.I pride myself on being intelligent and as such, you will have to go on believing me to be a lazy bastard / liar / whatever else would fit into your idea of me not working my ass off. I revised as often as I could, stayed behind after most lessons and to be honest, I could probably have done more, but since I’m the one who’s facing the situation here, or as I prefer to think of it, the victim, why don’t we just stop throwing around some blame. I’ve already blamed myself for my results and as I wrote the post, I commented on the irony of me writing another post instead of working. Maybe you missed that?

        PPPS. To be completely fair, it is only a mildly good comeback, but since I had four separate conversations on the go, as well as writing two other posts as well, all of which were finished in those 15 minutes, with a relatively relaxed state of mind, I should be given a bloody medal. I’ll settle for a Blue-Peter badge though!

        PPPPS. I’ll have you know that I spend relatively small amounts of time on here, most of which is spent replying to obnoxious little pricks, not naming names. Now, I’ve spent my entire life being brought up with having a Friday night off from work. Simple as. It wouldn’t need to be in on the Saturday, so I can do it then, right? You comment on a Friday night, I have no revision to drag myself away from. Just, so you know, I spend about an hour AT MOST on each post, most of which only really take 30-40 minutes. As for my socks, they fit a male with size 11 shoes and are made of, I believe, polyester, not cotton.

        Hoping you are well,

        That Guy

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  3. Dude, I admire your dedication to replying to all comments, but that J H i just looking to cause you bother. He clearly had no interest in TG and only read it – despite your warning – because he saw people moaning and thought he’d get in on the bitchfest.

    It’s precisely people like this that probably made your life hell in school!

    I’m sorry I missed our chat that night. Everything was happening all at once (especially this week) and I was just so exhausted. Hope to catch up tonight! 🙂

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    1. The sad thing is, I think I know him through other people. Shame. Means I have to be less of a dick…

      I can live with it to be honest. Gives me something to moan at AND it’s constructive. Win-win for me… 😀

      Don’t worry about it. I should be on tonight and hopefully we can chat. Also, I have the house to myself on Wednesday and Thursday nights. If you can get here, there’s gonna be a house partaaaaaaaaaaay. Hopefully. If I can be bothered. Probably not. Ah well…

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  4. Just wanted to reply to this really.
    TG, I know where your coming from
    J H- Because TG is too polite to say it directly “FUCK OFF!”

    To all the well manered people reading this. Sorry to lower the tone.

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  5. “Well, Benny and I were discussing when we first realised that everything we knew and loved would, one day, no longer exist. Not a good piece of knowledge to have. It emotionally hurt me and as for Ben? I’d rather not talk about that.”

    What’s that last bit supposed to mean? :L

    Like

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