Alternate Universe Theory And How It Makes Me Feel Important


Ah. Alternate Universe Theory. My chance to explain to you all something that you probably already know, in the simplest way I know how, as well as why it makes me feel very, VERY important. I’m not, by the way. It’s all a delusion, or at least, that’s what my doctors say…

So. What is Alternate Universe Theory? Well, its the idea that for every action, or indeed, inaction we take part in, we create a number of universes which play out every alternative to what we did. In essence, its the ultimate God Complex clause. I’ll explain later.

Now, with Alternate Universe theory, we have lots of different subscribers, as it were. Some people believe that only some actions, the really big ones, make these alternate universes, whilst others refuse to believe they exist at all, mostly because of the religious connotations. Again, I’ll explain later.

I, however, am a full subscriber and I believe that EVERY SINGLE ACTION I make as well as every action that you, Bono and even the guy in the Mr Blobby outfit makes, AS WELL as all the actions that animals make, will create an alternate universe. As such, I believe that there are an infinite number of universes being made every infinitieth of a second, by one entity alone. Multiply that by the 7 billion people on Earth, plus the trillions of animals PLUS any potential extra terrestrial life and what do we have? A massive space problem. And that’s without going into the in/actions of all of the same people, in the universes that we’ve all made in the last few seconds.

Sure, existence is meant to be infinite, but what if it isn’t? Surely, every action we make, or again, inaction, causes reality to be filled even more. Maybe this is what causes global warming? What if it isn’t global, but rather, galactic, or even, for the sake of sounding like I know what I’m talking about, UNIVERSAL? Makes me feel a little bit worse about not cycling to college…

Ok. So why does this make me feel important? Well, look at it this way. What is God? The creator of the universe, it’s contents and most importantly, life. Well, surely if my actions create a universe, I am in fact, that universes God. Mindfuck, right? Hell yeah. Here’s a bigger question. How do we know which universes we have created? Did I create this one, or should I say, did an alternate version of me make this universe? Are we the original universe and if not, how would we ever know?

Multiverse Theory At Its Finest...
Alternate Universe Theory At Its Finest...

Confusing stuff, but as far as I’m concerned, I am, in an infinite number of universes that I’ll never even get to see, God. I am the one that they worship when they pray, or go to church, or fast. Makes me feel good to know that this man, this insignificant little man, may in fact be a deity. I love it.

I am, in one of these universes, everything that I have ever wanted to be. I could be that astronaut, or that teacher, or that super successful writer, or even that world-renowned religious leader that I should be… I did make a belief system after all… Click HERE to find out more…

You know the one thing that annoys me about all this though? No, it’s not all the confusion, nor the fact that here I am worthless, but a completely unconnected thing. Somewhere out there, in the cosmos, where I’ll never go, there’s an infinite number of versions of me that either rule the universe, or own the playboy mansion or worst of, yes, worst of all, gets to fuck sexy celebrities like Emma Watson, Zooey Deschanel or Natalie Portman. Lucky bastards…

Emma Watson...
So hard to find a good picture of her... At least, a non-fake-porn one...
Zooey Deschanel...
Again, so hard to find to find a non-fake-porn picture that's worth showing...
Natalie Portman...
What I wouldn't give to wake up next to her every morning... Well, I can't think of anything I wouldn't give... Oh God how much I adore her...

Now for a personal message to any of the alternate versions of me that get to spend their nights with any of these three women AND get to read this. Find a way to swap places with me. Please. For just one week. Please. I beg of you. Please… Please… PLEASE!

That Guy

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