Vamps is a 2012 horror/comedy, with little of either. Here’s what I thought.

You’ve got a story about a bunch of vampires living in New York, all of whom are sort of… surviving, if that’s the right word, as beings of the night-life, some abstaining from human blood, others making some humans into their, like, servant vampires, or just sucking the blood from them.

Two vampires women (neither of them overly attractive, which is a shame for a film with entirely female protagonists that stay young forever), experience the night-life, realise a plot to get all the vampires killed, save all the vampires, then kill their vampire mistress, resulting in one of their deaths, and a life of child-care and marriage for the other. Oh, and an old-woman that was going to die won’t die now, but the husband they helped by keeping her alive will die. I think she sucked some man-nipple at some point to.

The problem is, although you can see they put a reasonable amount of effort into using the vampire lore to their advantage, they didn’t put effort into the presentation. The film is meant to be a horror comedy, and yet I found very few laughs, and the horror consisted of flashbacks to the 1800’s… Not exactly “shit-your-pants”, is it?

That’s what annoys me. The failure for genre to ever completely describe a film. Vamps – Horror/Comedy. Pulp Fiction – Thriller. Shrek – Animated Comedy. Not a hint of adventure in Shrek? Seriously? He walks across a fucking country, to save a princess from a dragon. That’s a quest, but I suppose he was already on a quest… A quest to get his swamp back… Didn’t realise he lived in Bradford.

So, side-rant aside, let’s score this shall we? Acting sucked. Characters sucked… blood… Sorry… Plot sucked. The film, fucking, sucked.


That Guy

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