That Guy’s Opinion On… The Choosing Of The New Pope

So, before you think you’re seeing double, yes, this is a second post about our opinions on the choosing of the new pope. I am writing this AFTER That Other Guy posted his, AND, I haven’t read his yet. I also haven’t read his most recent review, so I’m going to do that now, before I carry on writing this. Back in a few minutes.

Now that I’ve read that (yes, I actually went to go and read it), I’ll write my opinions on the choosing of the new pope, and I promise to do my absolute best at not doing a paedophile joke. Scout’s honour.

First and foremost, I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.

They tell us that they are voting in there, but really, how do we know what happens? Those men are probably sworn to secrecy when they become cardinals, and then they live hoping the pope will pop his clogs, before having one hell of a party, filled with sex, drugs and alcohol, as well as a few slutty nuns. We all know they exist. I’ve seen the outfits.

And what about the actual choosing process? They say they vote, but what if, really, it’s a fight to the death, or some sort of jedi trials thing going on? I would love to see that. Imagine this – Ratzinger or whatever his name was, doing all the flips and papal staff duels and, best of all, that cave with the evil Luke Skywalker in, there to show him the most evil he might become, and it’s just a mirror, or something.

And what’s the deal with the smoke? I get it, you want us to know you’ve done your job, but is smoke the right way to do that? What if they get set on fire? Is there a fire-alarm? Can they leave the room? What if someone left the kettle on under the chimney?

But they chose, however they did it, and we were forced to endure an hour of waiting for the name, because of stage-fright, or whatever. Who did they pick? Well, at first, I thought they’d picked who I was backing for the papalcy…

Ho, Ha, Hehe! It’sa me, Pope-A-Mario!

No, it was some other Mario. Jorge Mario Bagoglia, or something similar. I refuse to look it up. He’s Argentinian, which may add some emphasis to the Falklands at the moment, and he’s old, so I give him 20 years before he’s quit or died, probably a lot shorter.

-That Guy

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