Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers – That Guy’s Review…

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night, whoever you are, whatever you want and wherever you come from. I write this knowing full well that I will most likely be unable to read everyone else’s reviews til after a short period of leave I’m having to take. However, since I’m awesome, I’m doing everything I can to make sure that my reviews for the next two weeks are all up and ready to post. Why? Because I’m awesome like that.

This time I tackle the second part of the LOTR Trilogy, which I like to call “Two Towers”. I shall refer to it as such for the rest of the review. I like to keep things simple.

This will also be shorter than my previous review, for obvious reasons. I have a lot to write, and, well, not a lot of time to do it all in. I hope you like them however, but if not, well… I’ll be extra-super-brilliant after my time off. I promise.

Boromir Meme
One does not simply… Go on holiday without planning to be awesome upon returning…

I know. That caption sucked. Best I could do without my writing team backing me up here…

So, what do I think about the plot to Two Towers? Well, although I see that it is the one where we get to really see the plight of the western realms (everywhere but Mordor) and the way that history has been shaped and developed over the in-universe years, it is my least favourite of the three films, because of how dull it is.

What happens? Frodo and Sam bump into Gollum, who leads them to the gates of Mordor, tells them to go a different way, and they get captured by dead Boromir’s brother, Faramir, who decides to let them go because he isn’t a douche like his brother.

One does not simply... Imitate my name and not be a douche...
One does not simply… Imitate my name and not be a douche…

Meanwhile, Gandalf survived his battle with flaming shadow beast (Balrog), had a run-in with Daz and helps Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn to defend the land of Rohan from the now evil Saruman of Many Colours (rainbow, perhaps? Maybe Benny was right about underlying homosexual themes?) And of course, Merry and Pippin escape the Orcs, meet some talking trees and use them to beat that Rainbow Wizard from before.

That’s pretty much the film. It really is. The best bit? The Battle of Helms Deep. Why? You get to see some amazing bits of inter-character relations. You see Gimli and Legolas slowly starting to develop their friendship, whilst Gimli and Aragorn do their whole “let’s kill Orcs by pushing them off the only ramp to get in” thing. Oh, and that’s where you get the brilliant image of someone tossing a Dwarf. Boy do I like that image…

One does not simply... Toss a Dwarf
One does not simply… Toss a Dwarf

So, for the most part, the plot sucks. Fine, I can live with that. What about the characters?

Well, I already mentioned the development of Legolas and Gimli, as well as the relationship with Aragorn, but what about Gandalf the White? I found him annoying. He doesn’t have the spark that Fellowship Gandalf had. He used to be cool and calm, but now, he’s less welcome at a Hobbit party than Buzz Killington.

And the minor characters from Rohan and Gondor? They seem so bland. Sure, Eowyn loves Aragorn and wants his sword to impale her…

One does not simply… Combine two memes


If I’m honest, there’s one new character I found likeable, and that was the most despicable of the lot. Treebeard? No! Gollum. “New?”, I hear you ask. But we saw him in Fellowship. Yes, but in this, he actually had a worthwhile appearance. Peter Jackson has a cameo in Fellowship, but you don’t want a critique of his performance, do you?

No, Gollum was the one character that made this worth watching, and, to be honest, I do not think it is worth watching. Sorry, but it’s true. It’s too bland, and there’s nothing decent added to it. Even the music didn’t do it for me this time.

It does, however, back up my Trilogy Theory, which I hope to one-day post a write-up of. When I do, you’ll either agree or disagree. I look forward to finding out.

So, Two Towers. What do I think?


That Guy

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