TOG’s top ten people i want to meet in hell

To be honest with you all, i want to be resurrected once i’m dead. Not by a mentally ill patient in a hooded hospital gown shouting meaningless nothings into the void while masturbating over my corps. No, i mean in a few hundred years by science to be made young again so i can experience the world of tomorrow; and if i come back as a ghost, please don’t call Ghostbusters! The last thing this world needs is Ghostbusters 3. That is one ghost that must never be resurrected…


Number 10

My number 10 is cliche, but i want to meet Hitler in hell. Admittedly only to give him hell….. (get it, give him…hell, it’s – it’s a joke, alright). I want to beat that guy senseless. I want torture and kill him once a day, every day for every person he put to death in the holocaust. I want him to suffer.


Number 9

Josef Mengele was the head scientist at Auschwitz who conducted cruel and unusual experiments on the inmates.  He focused his work on pregnant women, particularly interested in the genetics and conceiving of twins. When he ran out of pregnant women, he asked the guards to rape a few, so he would have new specimens to study. His work was condoned and supported by Hitler who is believed to have supported Mengele’s work to concoct a formula guaranteeing twin boys in every pregnancy to further the Arien race and the German army. Mengele all so worked on the men, studying the human body’s reactions to poisons in different mixtures, strengths and states to ‘economize’ the extermination process, as well as to find the most deadly and all so most agonizing mixtures.

I have seen his “Laboratory’s”  for myself when i visited Auschwitz and i was appalled, and yet curious. I could feel a dark, evil presence in those rooms akin only to the like i have felt about the darkness in my own heart. It was obvious by the instruments left that what went on on those operating tables was no less that butchery but his work did come to some interesting results. I would like to meet Mengele in Hell to discuss these results with him and discover what he found out.

Of course i’m furious with him that he conducted all his work in such an evil way and hate him for all the suffering and death he caused, and would kill him painfully and many times over for that. To do what he did for the Nazi’s is one thing, but he did it in the name of science, and for that i truly despise him and all he stood for!


Number 8

J. Robert Oppenheimer is considered by many to be the farther of the atomic age as he lead the Manhattan project to the creation of the atomic bomb. He is all so considered by many an American hero, and no offence intended, but the guy is definitely burning in hell… or freezing, or whatever hell does to ya. I mean he pretty much summed it up himself on the first successful test when he said “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds”. I want to meet him to give him my sympathy. He regretted what he did in later life and went about in his later life trying to help set the world to rights, and he died of cancer which he almost undoubtedly got from working on the project, dieing in a coma only in his 60’s. He was a true loss to the world and if i meet him in hell it would be to tell him that the cold war did end, everyone is wiser and more careful for it (Ok, that’s a lie, but i would already be in hell so what would it matter) and that his work has lead to positive developments like the development of clean nuclear energy. I would put my arm round his shoulder walk with him into the abyss with a smile on my face.


Number 7

Gilles de Rais was a french nobleman and a knight who fought with bravery and honor. Born in 1404 to a rich and powerful family he was well educated. Marrying well as a teenager, by 1429 he was one of the richest noblemen in France. He fought alongside Joan of Arc and was a celebrated knight given land holding and property across France. Only after the wars, the wasted away his money and probably went a little mad, because he began to procure young children from the street, mostly boys, and take them back to his place where he would first treat them kindly, offer food and drink…

Then the child was stripped, raped, hung by a meat hook, tortured and finally killed by having it’s throat cut, a part of the evening that Gilles thoroughly enjoyed. He would then, if it took his fancy, have the child disemboweled and he would play with the innards while he masturbated. It was said when he ‘finished’ he would pass out and be taken to his bed while his servants carefully cut up and hid or burned the body. Sometimes two children would be procured at once and once hung naked on the meat hooks, one was forced to watch the other be tortured and killed, before the same was done to them.

Gilles was all so into the occult as he wanted money so he hired two magicians in all to try and sell his soul in return for the power to make gold, or for gold, but neither magician could deliver. Shunned by his family he became more and more deranged and his actions became far more erratic. He started enjoying beheading the children and as his actions became more and more transparent, eventually he was arrested and taken to trial where he was brutally tortured until he would confess to anything. The trial was farcical, even by 15th centuary standards and he was eventually beheaded, but the archives of French history remember him as a Nobel knight and grand soldier. He probably killed between 60 and 200 children though he confessed at the trial to more like 600.


Number 6

Peter Kurten, the ‘Vampire of Dusseldorf’. One of the most bloodthirsty serial killers of all time. An army man, in and out of prison like a fiddlers elbow, he enjoyed beating women and strangling them. He attacked a few little girls too in his time, but what makes me want to meet him is that, for a while, after a few years in jail, he settled down, married and became an active trade unionist working in a factory. He did this for nearly a whole year, so what made him slip. All so, his last few killings, he made it as obvious that he could that it was him, leaving clues galore, but as the police remained clueless he finally confessed everything to his wife and asked her to turn him in, only concerned that she receive the reward money. What made his do this? He said to his jailers that he wanted to die; he seemed as relieved as everyone else that it would all be over soon. Why? So many unanswered questions…


Number 5

Fritz Haarmann, the ‘Vampire of Hanover’, was the first real serial killer, as the term was only coined around the same time as him. He was the first serial murderer to make front page headlines and his trial was published in an unprecedented way, giving him much unwarranted popularity, and forever placing his name in the history books. Haarmann was again a military man until discharged in 1903. He like Kurten went to jail for petty crimes but unlike Kurten, when Haarmann was younger he molested children and was sent to an insane asylum to cure him, which traumatized him.

In later life however, that’s when he became a killer. In war stricken Germany, he became a criminal and a police informant, making good money, and used this to procure young boys off the street for sexual pleasures, after which he would behead them. What baffled police for so long was the savage and yet precise natures he used to kill the boys. He would violently kill them by beating, cutting and finally beheading and near the end of his career, biting the boys necks and drinking there blood. But then, he  would carefully and cut up and hide the body or gut it, cut it up, remove the bones and cooked the meat and sold it as pork on the black market. You need to remember at the time, Germany was starving and so little scrutiny was given to where food came from, especially meat. By praying on the homeless he went undetected for years and when finally caught not only confessed but took the police to the hidden body’s and showed them with a macabre sense of pride. I want to meet Haarmann for a poker match.


Number 4

Countess Bathory. Are you seeing a pattern yet? Countess Bathory was a 6th centuary noblewoman who lived in a romote castle above a town in Hungary, in the middle of a forest. She delighted in the abuse and torture of her teenage and young servant girls. She was know to use her power over the town to hire nothing girls right of the street and take them in as servants to be beaten, sexually abused in a way that then was considered very unnatural and verbally assaulted at every turn, if they were lucky….

If they were unlucky, Countess Bathory was known for her torture. She locked a girl in a small round iron cage with rusty spikes facing inwards inside it… and rolled it, and her, down  the hill outside her castle. She had another girl sown into the belly of a horse, screaming as the dead horses stomach acids burned her alive. In her eventual trial it was found that she liked to, burn her victims to death, freeze them to death, mutilate there hands, faces and genitals, as well as starving her victims to death and she had a terrible biting fetish, enjoying sinking her teeth into her victims.

She was even rumored to bath in the blood of her victims to stay looking young and beautiful. I would like to ask her if that were true and discuss torture methods with her as it’s a topic i thoroughly enjoy discussing.


Number 3

Vlad the Impaler… because who wouldn’t want to meet Dracula?


Number 2

Captain Edward Teach of the Queen Ann’s Revenge, aka: Blackbeard. He is the most famous pirate of all pirates who ever lived! (Yes, he was real!) And as far as i can tell, all he did as a pirate was do what he wanted. He joined the British navy to get him on the sea, then he went rouge, ‘acquired’ the Queens Ann’s Revenge  from the French royal fleet, equipped her with 40 guns, joined with other pirates and ruled the sea. All of this he did, without ever hurting a single person! No, im serious, there is no record that Blackbeard ever hurt another sailor, let alone kill anyone! Every vessel in his command he sailed with the crews permission and he never relied on brute force alone being of a cunning tactical mind, creating his fearsome persona as a rouse to get other to do what he wanted.

I have such a respect for this guy. He made it to the top, the best pirate in the sea controlling the largest piratical fleet known to the time, successfully pulling off the ransacking of an entire island and after all that getting a pardon, so he could get a new ship and a chance to do it all again! All without killing a single person! I want to meet this guy in hell (well, he did steal and threaten) and offer him my fullest congratulations on a life well lived. I all so want to give him a game a game of poker, though i fear i will lose badly.


Number 1

Satan! I want to meet the lord of the Earth, the great and mighty angry one. I want to meet him and quiver with fear at his very being. I want to merely glance upon this ancient being of hatred, fear and plague that had a part in the creation of our world and the corruption of all life on it. The one playing a game of chance for all life’s souls with God. God’s opposite and yet equal. If i may never glance upon the perfection of God, let me at least feel the evil of the presence of the devil.



  • Wikipedia – where would i be without you?
  • Vampires by Charlotte Montague – a glacing but informative and insightful coverage of all aspects of Vampire Mythology
  • Doctor Who – for the ending


That Other Guy – “Burn with me.”

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